It Hurts
by LokiHetfield
Summary: So, this is just kinda me getting out all my feelings but it turned into an outlet and I figured, hey, why not post it. I honestly don't care what you think (if it's bad I mean) and I know I'm not the only one out there who feels like this. So if you do or don't, just try to understand. This is not a fanfics of any kind! –Lokitty


I didn't ask for this, I don't think anybody ever does. It's a curse, it hurts, it killed me inside, but I couldn't fight it, I couldn't fight her. I didn't trip, I fell on my ass like a wimp, and crawled home, alone. I couldn't tell her, I didn't have the guts to, the courage. So I ran, stopped talking to her and just ran away, I don't know if it hurt her as much as it hurt me, or hurt her at all, but I can't ask. It was ok for a while, with my friends to help me, but I did it again, talked to her and had to run and hide. That hasn't changed today, only, I woke up with the courage and guts to tell her, when I needed it six months ago. I won't do it, I'll just wait and see what happens. I think that if it was ever meant to be then the universe will make it happen, not me. I'm not running away anymore, but I have to fight the urge to talk to her, because I just won't let myself do it, not after what happened.

At the moment I'm not sure what to do, but I can't control myself. I haven't eaten today but I'm acting like I'm sugar high. I almost ran into her when leaving a classroom, I said "Sorry" and it was directed at her, then I fled. I have one class with her, she sits at the front and I'm at the back with my friends, silently watching her even though I know I shouldn't. I can't help it, she's just perfect to me, in every way possible. If you understood what it was like, what the pain felt like, you'd know why I can't talk to her now, you'd know why I run away from her. But you don't, you don't get it, no matter how much you think you do, you don't. I'm bisexual; I'm not a guy in case you were thinking that.

Sometimes I think, I shouldn't but I do. She knows how I feel, but does she feel the same? She's not the type of person who goes up to confront people about anything. She's very passive, I wish she wasn't, even if it was just for this. I know at some point something is going to cause us to have to talk, if I knew what it was I would prepare, but I can't. I just have to go day by day, wondering what will happen, if it'll end well. I don't think I can't handle going through heartbreak again, not with her, not again.

I have dreams too, every night now. The one that I always think about though, is the one that sparked the courage and the guts to talk to her, to be with her.

_*Class just ended, we were avoiding each other but we had plans to leave together. I don't remember making them, it was like we just both knew about it. I went down to my car and waited for her, we had a driver so we sat in the back. When she got in the car she curled into me, practically sitting in my lap. She kept telling me how much she loved me, cared about me, wanted to stay with me forever. Eventually we ended up at my friends' restaurant, a fancy yet homey place. I found 20 bucks on the staircase. We had a great time, laughing and the occasional kiss.*_

Then I woke up, and realized it wasn't real, it may never be real. I've had other dreams, but I don't remember them, not clearly…_a dash of hair, distinctively her hair…_That's all I remember of that one, and I've completely forgotten one, all I know is that I really enjoyed it. If I ever remember it I'll write about it as soon as possible.

If I knew how she felt, if I had the chance to understand her, and for her to understand me I'd take it in a heartbeat. But I know it won't be that easy, it never is.

I realized that I might have hurt her the first time I pulled away. She thought we were close, I made her happy just by being around. I can't stand the thought that I might have hurt her, but I couldn't stay. I think she liked me, I don't know. The second time it happened was because of something she said, but when I remember it and think about it I realize that the way she said it was like she didn't want me to hear, to be hurt.

I was thinking about what would happen if we talked again, if I told her how I felt. It's scary sometimes, to think about it, but at the same time it makes me happy, even if it'll never happen.

Today was harder than normal, I don't know why but it was. Some people I know helped me make some sort of plan just to try something. I miss her, I love her, so I miss her insanely. Some people think she's bisexual, some people even think she likes me, but I'm afraid. I don't exactly believe them because it scares me for some reason. Thinking she likes me too, thinking we could have something together, it just scares me. It may be kinda stupid, but I'm waiting for the moment we're forced to talk, not the moment we could if we wanted too, because neither of us will just start a conversation like that. But I know what I would say: "I'm sorry, for being so stupid, acting the way I did I just, I didn't know what to do. I'm in love with you, I have been for longer than I've even known. You're perfect, in every way, I just, I've missed you so much but I'm a wimp and couldn't handle rejection. If you don't like me I get it, sometimes I don't like me either. I don't know if you would even like me, I don't know if you're straight of not, but I love you. That won't ever change, no matter what," maybe not those exact words, but something really close to that.

Does she think about me? Does she talk about me? Do I even matter? What does she think of me? Does she like me? Would she like me? All those and more run through my head more than once a day. I hide it a lot, I hide my pain from others. Even those who are close to me don't notice sometimes, I call it acting. One person always can tell though, she see's right through my mask all the time. That cheers me up a little bit, knowing she'll always figure it out. But most everybody else thinks I'm just all happy and stuff like that, but I'm not. I hide it so much, hide the fact that inside I want to cry, to hide from everyone, that I'm miserable and can't tell you why.

I pray to my chosen god *not Catholic I am Nordic* asking for him to help me, to do something so I at least know how she feels. But there's only so much I can do, and he's not exactly the good type of god. God of Lies and Mischief, ya that's just so good right there *sense the sarcasm* but he's still cool, I love him too. He does do things for me and the people I know, but he can't do everything and I've accepted that, mostly.

Talking out my pain helps, it did bring out all my old emotions as well as some new ones but being able to talk about it and write about it helped me get through it. If something happens worth typing I'll add it, but until then this is the end of this. Whoever is reading this and is like me, know you're not alone.


End file.
